Unfulfilled

Honestly i just want to do more! I feel as if the hospice world doesn't really have a voice. I feel like my hands are tied and my voice is mute. Unarmed and broken, yet with a will to change the public views on hospice. Life is not lonely, nor should it be in death. A family is lost in the trenches when death comes to visit a family member, yet we deny a benefit because of a word. Hospice.... Help me Understand

I should have done more...

These words are like knives that cut and open new wounds that never heal. Each time they are said they carve a new strand of guilt that separates us from the reality we deal with. In the process of life we make choices that feel are right, but what about in the face of death. Loved one is dying, should I go home and sleep? What if they are not here in the morning, should I have left? If i would have left 5 minutes earlier I would have made it to the hospital in time. If I would have gotten up to check on them I would have seen a change in them and they would still be here. The IF is a knife that is cutting another wound in us because we cannot accept the reality of death as a natural progression. We always think what if, what if, what if.

People are put on this earth for a reason. They make us stronger and they live to create a piece of  puzzle that will fit in our lives at some point. When we grasp on to the guilt and the what ifs, we are forgetting that we have a piece of someone that is supposed to go somewhere. Whether that piece is telling us to be a better brother, a better sister, lover, father, or mother; we should always have it with us. With the piece of them in hand we should figure out that life has a plan for all of us. Whether you were in the room, on your way, or left too early, the reality is it happened because it was supposed to.  Now we are left with figuring out the why, the what if, the maybe, the should of when we should be finding the piece and where it fits in the puzzle we are left. When our minds do not let us heal, we forget the good we did. In times of sickness and struggle, the motherly, fatherly or protective instincts are in overdrive and to a child that is LOVE. To a Grandfather or Grandmother, that is LOVE. Let love guide yo and know, that in that very time of sickness and struggle...They had the best life has to offer.

The Road to Forgiveness

We live this fast paced life where we forget to value the important things. In this hustle we don't love enough, laugh enough, or even cry enough, and it takes a jolt of reality to make us whole again. We all have compassion in our hearts but why do we only feel the need to use it when something is wrong. Why do we gravitate to the bad, to point out isms, to tell people how wrong they are, instead of forgiving. The problem lies in the simple fact that we as human beings are scared of what we don't know, so our natural reaction is to judge and comment and make others around us believe our insecurities so we do not feel crazy stating them. Forgiveness harnesses the same logic. We cannot forgive what we do not understand so we give excuses to make others believe what we in our hears do not truly grasp.
The difficult part of forgiveness is also that we as people whether we admit it or not hold grudges that are completely unhealthy. The person who feels they have done nothing wrong continues a life carefree, while the person with the grudge carries the burden. I have been accused of not forgiving, yet I will forgive when the heart agrees and when and if i know for a fact it will not happen again. Sorry is a word used to freely and one that has lost its luster. So what is the road to forgiveness and how do we as people truly forgive.
We need to find out who we are and how the path to forgiveness will make us grow. Guilt is an awful thing to live with and we can think we have gotten over it but it lingers and makes us resentful. In death, forgiveness is no different. The heart knows the burden it carries and the soul will dim the light of understanding in order for one to shed a tear. Find this road and try to pave a new way. If you continue on the road you are on then understand the signs as you pass them because once you choose an exit; whether you are lost or at your current destination, where ever you end up will be the choice you made and consequences you live with.

When life comes calling

It has been awhile since I could talk or even express what has been on my mind. My life and thoughts have been consumed by things so trivial that I find it hard to justify the things in my life. If one night we go to sleep yet fail to awake; what would you tell life? So many times my mind is silent and so many times its so loud that I wonder if it will ever stop. When my life comes calling, I want a quiet, calm and beautiful mind. I want it to tell me that I was in love, I want it to tell me that I was hurt, but most of all, I want it to tell me that I knew how to lose. Without losing, I would have been half the man I am today. Without love, I would of been the man who would have wanted to feel and without hurt, I would have been the man that was never loved.
When I was younger I would put my feet in the sand and pick up sea shells hoping that I would never lose them and that I would stash them away forever. Now I know for a fact that nothing is forever and about as long as you can hold sand in your hand, is about as long as you can cherish a memory in your mind. We all become shells in the water and we all become sand in the wind. In life we are the leaves that bud, bloom, change colors and the die and fade away. The last thing e have is the memory our family keeps but sooner or later that too is blown in the wind. I feel like that is who I am now. I used to be the water, I used to be the sand, I used to be that shell. Now I am the wind.....

Children and Hospice

Honestly, I am not even sure how to touch this topic. These words should never be seen in the same sentence and I honestly can't bare the reality. The innocence and the just the pure beauty and life that children bring is a reason in itself to not want to touch this subject. The harsh reality is that no one is safe from the hand that takes us. Children, are no exception to this rule. Yet, the "rule" and use this term loosely, regarding hospice is that you let the natural progression of the disease take its course while just taking care of the pain and the symptoms and not using curative treatments. This is where I believe it would be difficult for a parent. I was once told by a patient that "In life, all we have is hope". For a parent, this could not be more true. I am not a parent but I think if a doctor were to tell me to consider end of life options, I would be insulted, and lastly, there is not a bone in my body that would allow it because I am giving up. Am I really giving up? What if you can win with the disease and the natural progression of the disease is progressing rapidly and the child is hurting. No matter what you do, the end result is the same? Would you subject the child to surgeries, poking, prodding, anything? Wouldn't you want to spend the last few days, weeks, months, with that child and see him or her smile. A real smile, without pain or suffering. While you are hurting you have the hands of others guiding you along a horrible, difficult road, but at least you know you are not alone. In the wonderful world of hospice, the nurses and C.N.A's are angels that have been sent here to make this horrible journey of life and death a smooth one. We often think we are doing the right thing when we "choose" to not give up, yet we are forgetting that there is a real fighter that may not be able to express the pain and want to live out the last moments pain free, while letting life takes its course.
This is not only for children, but for the elderly as well. We often look at our needs and feelings and project them on others. The gift of hospice has been known to add time to a persons life. While it is easy for me to sit here and put my feelings on paper, it would be tough if i actually had a  child. In this harsh and unforgiving world, we can find beauty and peace in Hospice.

Blood on my hands

If I left this earth with regret would it be a less satisfying life? If I never say the sorrys I need to say or get in that one hug just to know I have been forgiven, am I less of a man? If I lived a life where I left behind some anger, loss of respect or just tears would my family choose differently at the end of my life? In my experience recently with families and the end of life with some anger and animosity, it seems as though the decisions regarding hospice or end of life choices become more clouded. Are personal feelings ethical? What are ethics when the heart hearts? When mom or dad weren't there in the happiest of times, or mom and dad ruined my childhood. Now mom and dad need you to make a choice that will impact their lives, your siblings lives and everyone in the family. Where is the ethics in these upcoming decisions?
In the case where the patient doesn't have a DNR or a living will which will state the dying parties wishes, what is the ethical thing to do? In one case I saw a family member refuse to pull a plug on a father because it was only the first of the month and the welfare check doesn't come until the 3rd. Or another case where the family member was the next of kin and didn't want to be the one to say pull the plug because in her mind she is committing murder. She compared it to abortion, where that is a life and with my hand I am taking it. In the latter case the person had clearly stated in a right sound mind that they did not wish to live in a vegetative state. When the time came, the family member could not make the decision to end life support. Feelings drive us, but what is right, what is wrong? In some cases the person can go on to live and if the decision to end the life is made, the person making that decision has to live a life of not knowing what could of been. Is that a life with blood on your hands or was that the right thing to do? Are there two sides to this coin? Does guilt forgive or can guilt be lessened because its ethical?

Reason, Arguments, and Judgments...

I created this blog as a way for me to express the ethical dilemmas that face life and the end of life. While most of us life a life full of choices, there may be a time where making a choice is simply not up to us. Some may say in conversations to our family and friends that if we ever got to a point where we could not care for ourselves, that would be the time to leave this earth in order to not be a burden to family. What if that wish was not clearly stated, or what if that wish was not written in a living will. In theory everyone around you knows your wishes but you were a loved person and when push came to shove you had no D.N.R (Do Not Resuscitate) and the choice was now in a family members hands. Could that family member make an ethical decision to respect your wishes and not let doctors put life support on to sustain a vegetative life, or did the doctors plant enough doubt in the mind of the family that they think there may be some hope and decide, against your wishes, to prolong your life ignoring the inevitable. Love is strong and makes us act in ways that we see are in the best interest at the time. Yet, can love make us blind?
The ethical dilemma here happens more often than not but it is not the only one that family members and doctors face on a daily basis. Life, so precious and so fragile that we have a hard time letting go. Ethical thinking is for the sober mind. For the mind that can clearly process right or wrong no matter the emotion, no matter the situation, no matter the time or place. Death changes and pushes ethics and pushes us to make decisions that we know are wrong but with our hearts, they are nothing but right. This is what I want to discuss in this blog and hope to evoke some emotion about what is right and wrong at the end of life and why we as humans find the process of letting go so hard, even when the decision has been made by the love on dying. I hope you all join me in this journey and express your thoughts respectfully and clearly. Ethics are in everything we do and dying is no exception....